We’ve already established that Zoom was a digital waiting room for the damned. It was a piece of software that turned our homes into open-plan offices and our personal lives into a series of “connection unstable” warnings. But even though the world has reopened and we are once again allowed to look at other humans without a pane of Gorilla Glass in the way, Zoom hasn’t taken the hint.
It’s still there. Hiding in the corner of your MacBook like a squatter in a tuxedo. It sits in the Applications folder, smugly waiting for the day you might be forced to attend a “Virtual Coffee Morning” or a “Digital Strategy Sync.”
When doing health checks I install updates for the clients and more often than not Zoom wants an attention. As I spend time downloading and installing this relic, I often wonder if it is still needed these days.
If you simply drag the Zoom icon to the Trash, you haven’t actually removed it. You’ve just hidden its face. Deep in the bowels of the Mac—in places with names like ~/Library/Application Support/—it leaves behind little digital droppings.
It’s like trying to get rid of a bad smell by putting a picture of a forest over the damp patch. The smell is still there, and every time you start your computer, Zoom’s “web server” wakes up, stretches its legs, and starts looking for a reason to exist. It’s creepy. It’s like finding out your ex-girlfriend is still living in your attic and occasionally rearranging your socks.
To truly rid yourself of this ghost, all you have to do is open the app (one last time, like a final visit to a prison inmate). Click “Zoom Workplace” in the top menu bar and select “Uninstall Zoom.” This is the app’s “Please don’t go” speech. Ignore it. Click “OK.”
The pandemic was a time of many things: baking bread, wearing joggers for fourteen days straight, and Zoom. But the bread has gone mouldy, the joggers have holes in them, and Zoom needs to go.
